How to minister to others

I realized at the Publix today after church how everyday normal people can minister to others, even though they have no formal theological training. Brace yourself because this might be a little shocking and way too direct for some readers. Are you ready? Here goes. Don't be an asshole. Plain and simple. Nothing complicated there, just don't be an asshole. And really this has absolutely nothing to do with going to Publix after church today except one thing. I tried really hard to look the girl at the register in the eye and smile and say thank you when she got done ringing me up. How hard was that? I have actually been on a small personal crusade to just be friendly to the people around me. I try and make it a habit to wave to the police officer that directs traffic at our church after the services get out. I try and cut up and be funny with the nurses that have to draw my blood for the tests I get done. I try to give a thank you wave to the car that lets me into the line of traffic. None of that stuff is hard. None of it takes more than a second or two. None of that stuff costs me a single dime. But I try and put myself in the shoes of those people around me. Especially the people that are in a position of service. Think about all of the folks you encounter everyday in the McDonald's drive thru or the dry cleaners or the Starbucks that are so wrapped up in their own world blabbing on their cell phone and treating the people serving them like they are their personal wait staff who are to be wadded up and thrown away like a dirty Kleenex. Imagine if you were that person trying to wait on those jerks. And not only that jerk but about 8 hours of jerks coming and going taking a break from their busy lives. Now imagine meeting someone during your day that took just a second to smile and say hello and asked you how your day was going. What a breath of fresh air that would be. What a reflection of Jesus that would be. And there you'd be, making a conscious effort not to be an asshole and acting more like a minister. And that would make this world a little better place.

Peaks and Valleys

People say that life if full of peaks and valleys. There will always be times where you experience total elation and things can't seem to go any better. But there's an equal likelihood that once that elation subsides you'll be headed for what seems to be darkness and despair. We all hope that our lives are, for the most part, spent hovering somewhere in between those two extremes. But I've come to realize that no matter what point you seem to be in life, there's always beauty and serenity around you if you'll just look. I think about the world that God has created around us. I've had the chance to see the sun rise and set on the Grand Tetons in Wyoming, perfect examples of peaks in life. I think about the Grand Canyon and its majestic beauty formed by the Colorado River that I hope to see one day. Quite a valley indeed. But no matter which extreme you look at, God's hand has been there to make some very breathtaking views. Life is just the same. In the beginning, the thought of facing cancer loomed like the biggest valley I could ever have to face. But once I descended into that valley and began to lean heavily on my God and my Savior for strength and guidance, I began to look around at all the beauty that resided there at the bottom. I've seen my kids faces in a new light. I have a stronger appreciation for my wife and what a special woman she is. I've been blessed with countless hugs, phone calls, gifts and prayers. And by looking around at all of that beauty there on the bottom of the canyon of life, I have been lifted up by it all to where now I feel like I'm getting pretty close to the top of the world.

Is this thing on?

I came to the realization today that I really need to blog more often. The time between posts is getting longer and longer. Why? I love to write and I love to tell stories. Goodness knows that I can bore someone to death with stories from days gone by. But why don't I want to write anymore? I thought about that today and I finally figured it out. Mentally, I feel that I need to be inspired to write so that it's actually something that people will want to read. So with that I churn things over and over in my mind trying to formulate my thoughts. Then I get to thinking that what I want to talk about will take too long, will be too verbose or won't have any impact. So then do you know what I do? Nothing. I just think that I'll get to it later and It'll be really good when I do but it never happens. I need to learn that everything doesn't have to be perfect on the first try and that I need to get in the habit of just trying and see what happens. I'm sure if I do then the inspiration and ideas will work themselves out. So, I'm going to try and put the proverbial pen to paper on a daily basis. Lord knows that I need to empty my brain out more often and shake the cobwebs off of the things rolling in there. And hopefully my followers and blog stalkers will keep me accountable.

Why I believe in God

I was watching TV the other night with Lori and got all wrapped up in the doctor dramas that were assaulting my emotions. Every time I watch one of those I always end up wondering, "Where is God in all of those people's lives?" There's all of this heartache and pain and desperation, and at no point does anyone cry out to God or for God. I know it's network TV and Hollywood is devoid of God or Jesus (goodness knows they need it), but still. So I got to thinking about why I believe in God. What is it that brings me to Him? Is it that I don't want to go to Hell when I die? Yup. But that's not really it. Or at least that's not a very substantial reason. Is it because I get myself in trouble and need a savior to help me out? Well, I do have a Savior in Jesus. That's not it either. Is it that I want to live a good and decent life and have people say that I was a good man while they stare at me in a coffin? Yes again, but that's not deep enough. It dawned on me watching Private Practice last Thursday. I know, that's a strange time to have an epiphany. But it just came to me. I realized that I believe in God because I know that there's something bigger than me. And that thing that's so much bigger than me provides comfort and understanding that I can't explain. It's even hard for me to formulate the thoughts in my head but I know it's there. I was faced with this when I found out I had cancer. Then all the stuff I had been practicing in Sunday School and church and at bible studies in college became very, very real. I was quickly facing the possibility of death at an early age. Did I actually believe all that stuff? Had I done all the things I was supposed to so that I had something to look forward to after I was gone? All of these are extremely valid reasons to believe in a loving and compassionate God and to seek out my Savior, Jesus. But then I was faced with one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. I had to take a crying and upset 9 year old little girl and sit down with her and talk to her about her fears that her daddy might die. How was I going to do this? What could I say? That's when your belief in God comes to the forefront. That's when a very real and loving God comes to you. That's when a faith that has been growing for many years becomes solidified. That's when God sends you the Holy Spirit to empower you and fill you with the wisdom and confidence to do what you do not want to do. And because of that, I was able to keep my composure and calmly face the fears that I had and the fears that my little girl had. I was able to tell her that no matter what happened, God was going to be there through it all. He was going to be with me through my radiation treatments and doctors appointments and follow-ups and most of all He was going to be with her ever step of the way. I could tell her that life is not a guaranteed thing. We have to believe in God and know that He is in control in all facets of our lives. I was facing cancer, but I could just as easily be hit by a bus or have a stroke or have a heart attack. This sickness I was facing was just a part of life that I, excuse me, WE were going to have to face, but it was not going to be alone. God was going to be there holding our hands every step of the way. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt, He has and continues to do so. And that is why I believe in God.

On the edge of irrelevancy

I am eagerly awaiting my appointment with the doctor at Emory that's coming up next Tuesday. I so desperately want to hear directly from the mouth of a guy in a white coat with a nurse-in-training trailing behind that I have come to the relative end of my cancer journey. I am fully aware that this will never be over. I know that I'll have to be watched for the rest of my life and that I'll have to have my blood checked every six months to see if the enzymes become elevated again. I know that there is about a 100% chance that I will need another radiation treatment in my lifetime, I just don't know when. But I still want to hear someone say it. I want it to be written in a chart somewhere. I want to be scheduled for a follow up visit a really long time from now. And with all this I realize that the turmoil in my life, at least this chapter, is coming to a close. So now what? What do I do with what has happened to me? How do I use it to further God's Kingdom? What do I write on this stupid blog? The whole reason I started writing was to give me an outlet to release all the emotions and feelings I had bottled up in my head while the world was rapidly spinning around me. Maybe I'll keep writing just to keep writing. Maybe I'll find some clarity and sanity in my life by putting it down on virtual paper. Will anyone read it? Will anyone care? Hopefully the flame that has drawn the moths is about to be extinguished, but will they find another flame?

Hollywood Sucks

Well, I've determined that Hollywood has completely ruined the real world. Hollywood churns out action movies with super-stud spy heroes, animals with special powers who have the ability to carry on conversations and save the environment, and of coarse, the stupid romantic comedy chick-flick where the goober gets the girl in the end and rides off into the sunset to live happily ever after. We've come to expect that all paths in our life lead to the ticker-tape parade down Main Street and a beautiful sound track in the background. My recent journey has been quite the opposite. I'm not here to say that what's been happening to me hasn't been a gift from God or that He hasn't been there with me every step of the way. Or that it hasn't happened EXACTLY like He has planned. I'm just going to say that it has been really, really weird. Weird because of the way the cancer was found, the million doctors appointments, the prayers and well-wishes and the peace that I have had along the way. But in my mind I just thought that things would end differently. I had in my mind that I would be at the doctor's office one day and he would come in to tell me that he had good news. He would say, "It looks like you're cancer free!" and then birds would sing and confetti would fall from the ceiling. I would hug the doctor and my wife and as I would leave the exam room the nurses would have a big cake with sparklers on it. And I would go home to my kids with open arms to say that Daddy was all better and they would never have to worry about me ever again. That's what Hollywood does to your ideas and dreams and they way your personal movie plays out in your head. Instead, I go from doctor to doctor to have them tell me that everything looks like it is progressing well, but that there is still something weird. Some report just doesn't make sense, or some scan is inconclusive, or some blood work needs to be done before any decisions can be made or I need to send you to another doctor with more expertise or some tumor board needs to review your case or the office needs to do their own set of ultrasounds or we need to do a biopsy of the weird stuff in your neck that has us all worried in the first place. Or better yet, never mind, now that we've shipped you all over creation for you to wait for an incredibly long amount of time for an appointment that you really don't have and tell you that your are having an ultrasound, no wait, a CAT scan, no wait, not a CAT scan an ultrasound again followed by a biopsy, no wait, your pre-biopsy ultrasound doesn't show anything so we're not going to do the biopsy, we're all done, you can go home now. What!? My head is constantly spinning and I've gotten to the point where I'm just not sure if I should be happy or pissed off for being jerked around. So as I sit here typing, I think I have really great news that the cancer did not spread to the lymph nodes at all and that what was showing up on the body scan was just an anomaly and that all I need to do is monitor my blood work for the rest of my life and live it to the fullest. Are you kidding me? Where did that come from? Where is the party, the doctor with the angle wings descending from Heaven with the chart that was all a-glow because it was from God that I was healed? Instead, I have another doctor telling me that everything looks good and that they'll just keep an eye on me, and that's it. No Hollywood ending. I'm really happy, but kind of let down. But with all of this being said, I give all the thanks to God for being so good to me, so loving, so patient and so omnipotent and for being there for me all the way to listen to my prayers, my cries and my frustrations. This thing is still long from being over and I still haven't been told that I am cancer free, but I am one step closer to getting back to a more normal life. And for that I am very grateful.

What have you screwed up lately?

I mentioned a few posts ago that I have a fear of failure. I hate the idea of screwing something up because I wasn't thinking or was unprepared. I guess it's the Tech nerd in me that strives to have everything in a logical, well thought out sequence. I catch myself standing in the middle of my office at work doing this goofy robotic cha-cha going back and forth between my desk and my printer. I'm stuck there because I'm trying make sure that if I get up to get what was printed that I don't need to do anything else while I'm up and that I've printed all of the reports that I need and not just the first one in the sequence. I usually snap out of my trance with the thought, "What the hell is wrong with me?" Who cares if I forgot something, get up, get the stuff and get back to work. In my mind I seem to play a huge chess match with life, always trying to plan what might happen two or three steps down the road, instead of just dealing with what's right in front of my face. I paralyze myself and become motionless just because I'm not sure of something and I don't have a plan. This whole cancer thing has helped me to wake up a little bit and I seem to have more of an attitude of, "How bad can it be?" Not much more, but some. But, it's still there. Like this morning. I decided to go running in the neighborhood instead of on the treadmill so I can get used to hills as I try and prepare for the Peachtree. Of coarse I already had my wife drive me around the neighborhood on a predetermined path so I could see on the odometer exactly how far I was going and what route had what hills and how I could make the most efficient loop and end up back at my house without too much back-tracking. But while running this morning I realized that the route I planned was farther than any distance that I've run to date. So my mind got to thinking. What if I get way down the road and I give out and have to walk back? That will take waaaaay too long for the time I have allotted for exercise this morning and I might be late getting ready, which will throw off my schedule completely. Then what would happen? So, I adjusted the route based on the time I thought I had already been running. I did this by what song I was listening to on my iPod. I always seem to hear the same song in the same place so I was able to gauge my time, make my adjustment and get home on time and all in one piece. And just to make sure that my timing and my distance matched up, I drove the new route I had taken checking the odometer the whole way before I left for work so I would know exactly how far I had actually gone. I'm such a nerd! And the weird thing is, all of this stuff seems very rational at the time. Only upon further review and a quick check in the rear-view mirror of life do I realize that I am nuttier than a rat turd in a cashew factory. So, with all of this being said, where am I going with this? I say all of this to show you that I am going to organize myself into oblivion and I am going to fail to seize the moments that are constantly around me. I am so scared of screwing something up, that a lot of times I end up just doing nothing. And doing nothing, while safe and a sure bet, gets me just that - nothing. I need to learn to screw up more. And no, I don't mean that I am going to charge through life with a false bravado and a kiss-my-ass attitude with no regard for personal responsibly or unintended consequences. It means that I need to take more risks. I need to live life a little more. I need to be more spontaneous and adventuresome. I need to have more failures in my life that I can look back on and say that I learned a great lesson from them. Greatness was never achieved on the first try. Horizons are never different standing in the same place. And looking back on my life, I have been shaped and blessed the most by lessons that I leared from my failures and the failures of those around me. I am writing this blog today because of someones screw up. And I have thanked God for it so many times. But that is a story for another day.......

My Wife, Moses

I'm just not sure what it is. Generally speaking, I'm always in a pretty good mood and pretty easy going. It usually takes a good bit to get me riled up. But over the last several months I've been in a pissy mood. My mood swings have been quite dramatic and the slightest little thing can really piss me off. And I'm just not sure what it is. I don't know if it's anxiety, worry, being tired from getting up early or just the whole not having a thyroid thing. And if it's not having a thyroid that makes me so easily angered, well that just pisses me off too! What that means is that it's somewhat beyond my control and that I'm at the mercy of hormone supplements. What an old person problem to have! And not that I'm knocking old people or anything, it's just that I AM 33 YEARS OLD!!! Not 73! Anyway, that brings me back to my mood swings. It bothers me that I let myself get in such a state and that I snap at the people around me, especially my wife and kids. And really my kids. I find myself getting bent out of shape over the smallest little thing and snapping at them. I think to myself, "why won't they listen," or, "I have told that boy a hundred times." Then I got to thinking about God again. I know that He has made us in His image. And I know that He is a loving and caring God. When I pray, I refer to Him as my Heavenly Father. That makes me wonder, does He feel the same way I do sometimes? Does He look down on me and see me in my sin, again and again and again and say to himself, "I have told that boy a hundred times!" Does He say to Himself, "If he does that one more time I'm gonna reach back and slap that boy right in the mouth." I know I feel that way with my kids. I know it's not right. I know it's not loving or caring. But it's just the way I feel sometimes. I know all I want to do is rant and yell and scream at them and make them do what I want, because I know it's right and because I said so. That's when my wonderful wife steps in. She sees me acting like an ass and tells me all the time, "Be nice to them." Sometimes she says it to me in a very calm and understanding way, like she knows that I'm frustrated or that it's been a long day. Other times she can be down right harsh about it. But, she is always right to do so. And she is always right with the tone she uses. And that brings me to Moses. In the Old Testament, God brought the Israelites out of Egypt because He loved them and cared for them. They were His chosen people and He loved them enough to free them from the oppression of Pharaoh. But just like me, those stiff-necked people whined and bitched and moaned about how God had drug them out into the middle of nowhere to rot and starve to death in the desert. They totally missed the fact that God had miraculously saved them and promised them a land of milk and honey. They couldn't even be good long enough for Moses to go talk to God on Mt. Sinai. They got bored and restless and started worshiping idols while God and Moses weren't looking. What a bunch of spoiled rotten brats. And every time the Israelites would do something stupid, God would get really angry and get so close to striking them down right then and there. But on several occasions in the book of Exodus and the book of Numbers, Moses would fall face down on the ground in front of God and basically say to God, "Be nice to them." Moses knew how much God loved His people. And he also knew that they were immature children in God's eyes and that they needed God to be patient with them so that they could grow and come to know him more. And every time that Moses would speak up for the Israelites, God would listen and His anger would subside and He would calm down just enough to give them a "life lesson" instead. My wife is very much like Moses. She is very passionate about her children, she loves them very much, and she will say the things that need to be said, even though I don't want to hear it sometimes. She understands that the kids are just being kids and that I don't need to deal with them so harshly. I need to be patient and love them, even though I'm in an unbalanced mental state sometimes. I love her for this. And I think God loved Moses for this as well. The ability to stand up for what is good and right, even in the face of someones anger, all to protect the "innocent." I just wonder if my wife ever talks to any of the the plants in our house to get her inspiration? So, I sit and think that things will improve with me over time and that I'll be more patient and understanding. And I'll have a great leader by my side that loves me despite my mood swings and love my children and loves my God with all her heart.