Fighting False Hope

So I get this weird call from the oncologist at Emory on Friday morning. He calls to see if I had heard from anybody else at Emory and to tell me that the tumor board met that morning to discuss my case. He said that everyone still feels that surgery to remove the lymph nodes is the proper course of action and that I should be hearing from the surgeon at Emory soon. He also says that I will have to have some more tests done in the way of an MRI or a CAT scan on my lymph nodes since it appears that the ultrasound was not very conclusive. They want to make sure that there is in fact cancer cells that have spread to the lymph nodes. I thought that was strange so I asked him if the cancer wasn't found in the lymph nodes, then what could be showing up on the body scans. He told me that sometimes that parathyroids take up the radioactive iodine even though there are no cancer cells present. This would give a reading of something there that really wasn't. After hearing that he began to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. I conveniently forgot that the blood work still showed that there are still active cancer cells in my body and that there is still a very real chance and a high probability that I will have surgery again soon. But for just a few moments I had hope. The first thing I wanted to do was call Lori and tell her what he said. I had to preface the conversation with things like, "There is a slight possibility," and "He didn't actually say this, but...." And then my own self doubt began to set in. Surely there was no way that the cancer hadn't actually spread, that would be way too easy and way too amazing and way too awesome. So I kind of pushed all that to the back of my mind and tried to forget I had heard anything at all. I really didn't want to set myself up for disappointment or a let down. I had to remain logical about this whole thing and stay grounded. That's been the story of my life. Logical and grounded. Don't take risks. Never give anybody a reason to ever say, " I told you so." But this notion of being safe has been gnawing at me for a while now. It started earlier last week when I had a bid that I had to turn in on Tuesday to Fayette County for an intersection improvement near where Lori grew up. I was pretty aggressive on the bid and was cutting money out left and right before I had to turn the thing in. That is so not like me. I usually scare myself to death thinking I am going to screw the thing up and leave way too much money on the table and make myself look like a fool in front of the other bidders. I usually end up adding money at the last minute to cover myself just in case. You know, don't give someone a reason to say, "I told you so." But this time it was different. I had a different mind set. Every since this whole cancer thing my attitude has been more of, "How bad can it be? At least if I get a job for next to nothing, we will actually have a job to work on instead of wondering what could have been." And then there was the ride on the way to turn in the bid. I remember hearing something on the radio about taking great risks in life lead to great failures but also great rewards. I remember thinking to myself, "Not me, if I stay right in the middle, I'll have no great failures." And then the epiphany. I'll never have any great rewards. I have a deep down, all encompassing, fear of failure. Screw the huge payoffs as long as I don't actually fail. So this trip to Fayetteville to turn in a bid started a lot of internal debate and self-reflection. So I go to the bid opening and there are only three companies there. And of coarse I get the job and I have left a ton of money on the table. And I want to throw up in my mouth and tell the people there that I was just kidding and can I please have my stuff back now I really didn't mean it. But then I got to thinking. Hey you know what? I just got us some work that we really needed. I am pretty sure that I did my best and really, how bad can it be? Where in the world am I going with all of this? I realized that the best lessons in life for me have come when something usually went really wrong. I think back to all of my favorite stories that me and my football buddies like to tell. They don't come from days when things were easy and boring and nothing happened. They came from when times were tough and hard and not fun and now we look back and laugh and embellish and love every minute of it. Well now that can happen in my everyday life. I need to fail. I need to fail and learn from it. I need to fail and learn from it and tell stories to my friends about my failure. I need to fail and learn from it and tell stories to my friends about my failure and most of all laugh about it. So that brings me back to my present situation. I have decided to hope against all hope. I have decided to put aside the notion of false hope and just have hope. I have decided to pray that the whole thing has been a mistake and that there is no cancer in my lymph nodes. I have decided to hold on to the the possibility that there could be no reason for another surgery and that I can have my name taken off the church bulletin and the place mat on Wednesday nights. So I tell people that there might not be anything there and I risk the possibility that I'll be wrong. And people might say, "poor guy, he had such hope." Well, I have decided, it is time to see if I am going to fail at this. Because either I fail and learn something and grow in my faith, or I am right and the stupid thing could be gone and I'll be telling everyone how awesome life is. I mean really, how bad can it by?