I feel fine

I feel fine. Really. I feel fine. I get asked at least once a day how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. Whenever I go to church I get swarmed by people that are truly concerned about me and my well being and want to know how I'm doing. And my response to them is always the same. I feel fine. And that's the truth. I'm not even putting a positive spin on anything. I feel fine. And you know what? That's one of the things about this whole journey that absolutely drives me flippin' crazy. I get up everyday and go through the same routine, go to the same office, do the same job and come back home to the same wonderful family. And through it all, I feel fine. No sickness, no tiredness, no discomfort, no side effects from my radiation, no pain in my neck or throat, nothing... Nothing except a feeling in my gut that I get once I start thinking about what's growing inside me. It's that type of feeling you get when you're a little kid and you get in trouble at school and you have to come home and tell your mom about it. Then, instead of beating you like a rented mule, which would bring some much needed and immediate closure to the situation, she just says something like, "Your father will deal with you once he gets home. Now go out and play 'till he gets here." What! Are you kidding me. How can I enjoy going out to play knowing that impending doom is looming over my head. And then you get to thinking, what if he comes home early, or had a bad day or is in a really great mood and I have to tell him what has happened? Yeah, go out and play. So you do go out and play and after about 30 minutes you forget and have fun and laugh and fall down and get grass stains on your knees. Then a couple of hours later you hear the car door slam and your dad's home and you get that feeling in your stomach when you ride the Free Fall and you get all sweaty and nervous. Maybe you've never had this feeling. Maybe its just me. Well anyway, that's what I feel a lot of days. This urge to just go out and play and be normal, yet all the while I have this "thing" in the back of my mind just hovering over me. I've noticed it's getting better. And I suppose that's good. Especially since I always seem to feel fine.