King David

Ya know, I just can't seem to shake the story of King David. Reading about him in the Old Testament is one of my favorites. But there is a part of his story that keeps bouncing around in my head. If you don't know, David was a man of God and was probably one of the best kings in history. He led at the time the most powerful nation in the world and yet loved God so much that he was willing to dance butt naked in the street praising His name. David's heart yearned to know God. But David was just like the rest of us, a sinner. David's life became a daytime soap opera when he got caught up with Bathsheba, slept with her while her husband was away at war, got her pregnant, tried to conceal the pregnancy by bringing her husband back from the war to have him sleep with her, had the husband sent the front lines so he would be killed when he wouldn't leave his men in the field and THEN when the righteous husband was killed, took Bathsheba as his wife who then had his son. I know that is a lot of stuff crammed into a very long run-on sentence, so you can catch up on all the details by reading 2 Samuel 11,12 in the Old Testament. But here is the kicker. All of this stuff did not sit well with God. The profit Nathan came in and busted David's chops about this and told him how displeased God was. But because David was repentant about his actions, and I mean really repentant, not just "Tiger Woods Sorry" that he got caught, God did not strike him down. However, God did punish David for what he did. David's son died because of his transgressions. Now on to my point. Sometimes I feel like David. Not the "Greatest King On Earth" stuff, or the cheating, conniving, murdering stuff, or even the dancing naked in the street stuff, but the, "I wonder if this is some sort of divine punishment for my past sins?" And then my mind gets all fuzzy and I say to myself, "There's no way. God wouldn't do that, He loves me and is just giving me a test to make me rely on Him for strength." And 9.5 times out of 10 I go with the second thought. And deep down I really believe that, but I still have visions of King David pleading with God. And in the end, God still used David in spite of his short-comings and I know He will use me with all of mine.

I've Always Wondered

Have you ever wondered if anyone would come to your funeral if you died? Obviously your immediate family and a few close friends would be there, but who else? I guess I started thinking about that after my first grandparent died. It was my mom's dad who died in a car wreck. At his visitation people came from all over to pay their respects. I heard so many stories about his life, his family, his values and his willingness to help people. I just couldn't believe how many people he touched and how many people came to see him one last time. Would that happen to me? Have I made a difference in other's peoples lives? I don't know the exact answer, but I have been given a glimpse of what might be. Ever since my surgery and cancer diagnosis I have been overwhelmed by emails, phone calls and inquiries about how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. At every turn I'm being told that people are praying for me and my family, wishing me all the best and hoping for a speedy recovery. It's very humbling to have someone come by my office for a meeting and have him tell me that at 5:30 am on Wednesday mornings there are a group of men that get together at a church in Newnan each week and that they are praying for me by name. I've had people that I've never talked to at church come up to me, put their arms around me and tell me that I've been in their prayers daily and that they know everything will be all right. Former co-workers in different states have called and left voicemails because they heard I was going through a rough time or have emailed me to say they were thinking about me. I have been truly amazed and blown away by it all. Nobody wants to face a life or death situation where you have to be thrust into this, but it has actually been a blessing to me to see how much I am loved. Not only by my family but my friends as well. God has an amazing way of pruning people to allow them to grow to a much fuller life. I feel that I have been pruned and am just now beginning to start the new growth process. And it's been kind of cool to see that people do care about me and that there just might be a few cars in the parking lot of the funeral home someday. But not anytime soon.

I feel fine

I feel fine. Really. I feel fine. I get asked at least once a day how I'm doing and how I'm feeling. Whenever I go to church I get swarmed by people that are truly concerned about me and my well being and want to know how I'm doing. And my response to them is always the same. I feel fine. And that's the truth. I'm not even putting a positive spin on anything. I feel fine. And you know what? That's one of the things about this whole journey that absolutely drives me flippin' crazy. I get up everyday and go through the same routine, go to the same office, do the same job and come back home to the same wonderful family. And through it all, I feel fine. No sickness, no tiredness, no discomfort, no side effects from my radiation, no pain in my neck or throat, nothing... Nothing except a feeling in my gut that I get once I start thinking about what's growing inside me. It's that type of feeling you get when you're a little kid and you get in trouble at school and you have to come home and tell your mom about it. Then, instead of beating you like a rented mule, which would bring some much needed and immediate closure to the situation, she just says something like, "Your father will deal with you once he gets home. Now go out and play 'till he gets here." What! Are you kidding me. How can I enjoy going out to play knowing that impending doom is looming over my head. And then you get to thinking, what if he comes home early, or had a bad day or is in a really great mood and I have to tell him what has happened? Yeah, go out and play. So you do go out and play and after about 30 minutes you forget and have fun and laugh and fall down and get grass stains on your knees. Then a couple of hours later you hear the car door slam and your dad's home and you get that feeling in your stomach when you ride the Free Fall and you get all sweaty and nervous. Maybe you've never had this feeling. Maybe its just me. Well anyway, that's what I feel a lot of days. This urge to just go out and play and be normal, yet all the while I have this "thing" in the back of my mind just hovering over me. I've noticed it's getting better. And I suppose that's good. Especially since I always seem to feel fine.

Britton's Boots

My son is a funny little man. He has a way of saying the funniest things. For Christmas, Santa brought him his very own pair of boots. They are John Deere boots that are brown on the bottom part that sticks out from under his jeans and green with yellow stitching on the upper part. They fit him and his personallity perfectly. One day while wearing those boots he informed everyone that his boots were "trained for water, mud and muck." Because of the training that they received he was able to jump in mud puddles and any standing water he encountered. Boys will be boys.



I was doing my daily reading this morning from a book by Phillip Yancey called Grace Notes that I received as a gift from a friend of mine after my surgery. In it Phillip was talking about how Jesus went through his life without sin and yet still had to suffer a horrible death to atone for everyone else's. Jesus felt pain, suffered ridicule and humiliation, and was broken and beaten for absolutely no reason at all. God's perfect plan for the world through Jesus has allowed for every person, no matter what the circumstance to be able to relate to Him and his suffering and know that whatever they may face, they will not be alone. I sit and think about my situation often. Not so much of why me but just that it is here and a part of my reality. Did I do something to bring this on me? Is this retribution for some of my past sins? Could I have done something different to avoid this. Absolutely not. This is part of God's plan. Just like it was His plan to reconsile the world to Him through His son. And all along the way I have been growing closer and closer to God. Through my relationships at church, through conversations with my boss at work, through my daily reading of the Bible, and through my prayer time with God every morning. All of these things have allowed me to see the real Jesus and to find an opportunity to talk, plead, argue, yell at and listen to God. I find myself identifing with some of the struggles and hardships that Jesus had to face. Not that I feel that I am on the same level as He is, just that I know I can lean on Him because He actually has been through the same emotional rollercoaster that I have. I guess to bring all things back in full circle, I am like my son's boots. I have slowly over the years been trained for water, mud and muck. I can jump right in the middle of any puddle that I may encounter and know that it will be all right. And because of that, I can get up each morning now with a certain peace in my heart that all is well. No matter what the outcome.

This was my wife's idea

Yes, I am diving off into the world of blogging and I am actually looking forward to it. My wife told me that it would be a good idea for me to do this in light of all the crap I have been going through lately. It should be a good outlet for some of the weird emotions and feelings that seem to be dancing around in my head. But don't worry, this blog will be more than just a bunch of bitching and moaning about cancer. I seem to have a wealth of useless information, stories from my past and insights about life that I want to share. Hopefully I will be as excited about this on day 100 as I am on day 1. Just no promises that I'll do this everyday but I'll see how it goes.